Thursday, August 20, 2015

If you

"If You...
If You...
Can we try this thing again one day?
can we try again if it is not too late..
If you.. If you..
If you struggling like I am,
I can make it easier, yes I can..."
(If You - BigBang - English Version)


Flashcard bergambar masa lalu
dihampar depan mata,
adrenalin meluru laju,
lalu timbul rasa antara berdebar, marah, kesal, atau terkilan.
Fikiran mula menghamburkan cadangan
karut,

Kalau lah aku tidak terlintas meluah perasaan,
pasti dia dan aku tak terpisahkan,
menyesal mencintai,
menyesal persahabatan terlerai begini,

Hati mahu mengulang,
minda pula menghalang.

Tak mungkin.
Tak mungkin apa yang terlepas dapat digapai kembali,
Masa juga takkan membantu.
Ruang malah lebih meluas dan menjauh,
Harapan itu jadi harapan paling palsu,
paling dungu.

Hati terus menyanyi...

"If You...
If You...
Can we try this thing again one day?
can we try again if it is not too late..
If you.. If you...
If you struggling like I am,
I can make it easier, yes I can..."

Tanpa sedar bibir tersenyum sinis
lalu berkata, "Bodoh. Tak mungkin"

Kalau lah aku tahu,
lebih baik mencinta dalam diam
dari terpisah jauh,
biar bukan jadi kekasih,
asal di  hati kaulah cinta pertama.

Aku sanggup.




-Kita berkawan sahajalah walau jauh di mata, ya?-


Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Curiosity beyond everything

Bismillah
Assalamualaikum


Beberapa hari yang lepas, aku pulang ke rumah di Pasir Gudang, Johor.
Pulang ke rumah untuk mencari ketenangan dan jawapan yang masih lagi tercari-cari apakah ia.


Patutkah aku terus sambung belajar di UM? atau pulang ke Johor?
Kenapa aku masih lagi dengan inferiority aku yang tak habis-habis.
Tiada keyakinan diri yang aku boleh kata tahap severity-nya adalah sampai aku sanggup memperkecilkan kebolehan sendiri.
Aku sungguh merasa tidak layak untuk berdiri bersama ilmuwan yang hebat, demi mencapai cita-cita menjadi seorang ahli sains. Tidak layak.  Bukan. Tidak yakin pada diri adalah yang sebetulnya.

Lalu ibu mula berbicara,

"antara adik beradik, akak yang paling suka tanya. Kenapa kita makan? Kenapa kita lapar? Kenapa kita kena makan bila kita lapar? Kenapa tak boleh buat ini, kenapa tak boleh buat itu? Ini apa? Kenapa ini, kenapa itu, kenapa perlu begini, kenapa perlu begitu?"

"Then, ibu jawab apa?"

"Ibu jawab apa sahaja yang logik untuk fikiran budak-budak, prinsip ibu, sebagai ibu bapa, kita tak boleh tunjuk atau nampak bodoh depan anak-anak, jawab lah apa sahaja"



Kesimpulan cerita,


  • Rupanya aku dulu, ada ciri-2 seorang budak yang penuh dengan sifat ingin tahu yang tak kisah kalau soalannya sebenarnya soalan bodoh.
  • Aku sedar, rupanya aku semakin memadam sifat ingin tahu yang sebenarnya dari kecil sudah tertanam. Aku bersalah kerana menghilangkan naluri kanak-kanak (suka bertanya) itu sekarang.
  • Nak jadi ibu bukan senang. Kau kena tahu tackle soalan anak. Kau kena support anak. Kau kena bagi apa sahaja yang kau tahu supaya sel-sel otak anak kau berkembang.
  • Tapi, setelah support dan segala macam benda yang ibu ayah dah semai dan curahkan sejak kau kecil, kenapa harus kau sendiri yang membunuhnya?


Biar naluri kanak-kanak yang suka bertanya itu tetap membesar bersamamu. Jangan biar dia mati.
Semai ayat,
Curiosity beyond everything
                                                                               dalam diri.
Cambahkan cinta pada ilmu dan pada diri.




Adios.
Amigos.



Aimilia Ami
LAB C8, Genetik
4:59pm


Friday, May 29, 2015

The Makeup Remover (II)

PART 2


Pada suatu pagi di hari minggu (30 May 2015),
Sedang aku duduk termenung di atas bangku sambil memerhati gelagat orang-orang asing yang sedang bergembira di taman rekreasi,aku ditegur seorang wanita asing, "Hey, kau perempuan tanpa topeng. Aku ingin tahu, bagaimana rasa tiupan angin yang membelai wajahmu?"

Dengan dahi yang berkerut kerana sesungguhnya aku tidak memahami soalan yang dilontarkan, aku cuma mampu menatap wajahnya yang tersembunyi di sebalik topeng putih bercorak bunga, dihiasi manik berkilau. Kau ingin tahu rasa ditiup angin, buka sajalah topeng mu. Monologku.

"Oh, angin pagi ini terasa lembut dan dingin walaupun terik mentari agak menyengat. Tapi masih nyaman." balasku sambil tersenyum ikhlas padanya. Ikhlas? Bukan. Ia lebih kepada simpati.

Wanita itu berlalu pergi dengan langkah yang senang seolah puas dengan jawapanku. Aku jadi lebih simpati padanya. Masakan mahu menikmati tiupan angin juga tidak mampu, terpaksa bertanya pada orang. Aku tidak faham. Rasanya, sama sahaja angin yang bertiup pada tubuh dengan wajah. Ada bezakah? Mungkinkah angin yang dirasa pada tubuh lebih kencang, tapi pada wajah terasa lembut dan aman? Aneh-aneh manusia sekarang.

Timbul pula satu cita-cita yang mungkin murni bagiku, tapi agak biadap untuk manusia yang lain.


"THE REMOVER" bahasa Melayunya, PENANGGAL. Eh, seram pula bunyi dia.

Bukan. Bukan. Yang sebetulnya (bukan direct translate), lebih sesuai kalau aku beri nama "PELENYAP". (???)


                                                                *       *       *


Weekend in the morning, (30 May 2015),
I was sitting on a bench while observing people enjoying their day at the park, when a woman came and ask me, "Hey, you girl, the unmasked one. I want to know what is it like to feel the breeze?"

I was speechless and felt weird. Then I looked at her face, which covered with a white masked decorated with flower patterns and shining beads on it. Saying this to myself, if you really want to know how does it feel, you should just take off the mask.

"Oh, it's soft and cool despite the fact that the sun is scorching, but it is comfortable" I reply with a sincere smile. No. It's not sincere, it's more to sympathy.

The woman walks away happily as if she was satisfied with my answer. I felt even more sympathy towards her. How come you can't even enjoy the breeze so much you have to ask people around. I don't understand. I thought the feeling was the same whether it was your face or your body. Is there any difference, like the breeze you felt through your body is stronger than the breeze that fell on your face?

Suddenly I came across with a pure ambition, well at least to me, while there is a possibility that the ambition is quite rude to others.


"THE REMOVER", in Malay we call it PENANGGAL. Well..... that sounds creepy and scary.

No. I think it should be "PELENYAP". (???)





Wednesday, May 27, 2015

The Makeup Remover (I)

PART 1


Aku lihat ramai manusia bertopeng.
Aku lihat manusia bertopeng itu sentiasa cantik dan terlihat sempurna.
Lalu aku lihat wajah sendiri dalam cermin.
Tidak bertopeng dan tidak cantik, apatah lagi sempurna, jauh sekali. Seratus kali mati hidup balik pun, masih sama.

Jadi inilah sebabnya aku sendiri dalam dunia ini. Tiada siapa sudi melihat malah berteman. Cuma seorang (selain keluarga), dia adalah Leya. Leya selalu kata, aku beruntung tidak perlukan topeng. Aku bebas dan dia terkurung dalam topeng, sukar bernafas. Dia mahu jadi seperti aku. Malangnya, dia tidak punya kekuatan hati.

Beruntung??
Tidak masuk akal langsung.

                                                                     *         *         *

I saw many people wearing a mask.
They always look beautiful and perfect.
Then, I look upon myself in the mirror.
Having no mask and ugly, not even perfect. I know it will remain the same, forever.

So, this is the reason why I'm alone. Nobody wants to be friend with me. There is only one besides my family, she is Leya. Leya always said to me that I was lucky. I don't need a mask. I am free while she was locked in a mask and can't even breath properly. She wants to be just like me. Unfortunately, she didn't have the guts to do so.

LUCKY??!
Absurd.




Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Rosak

Bismillah

Assalamualaikum


Rosak mood aku pagi ni bila naik status kau di newsfeed aku. Tak tau kenapa jantung aku berdebar lebih laju dari sebelum ni.


Rupanya aku belum boleh move on sepenuhnya sebab masih ada ruang kosong dalam hatiku, dan aku cuma ada kenangan untuk disimpan.

Jantung berdebar satu hal,
marah satu hal,
nak menangis sebab rindu pun satu hal.

Bodoh nya aku ni.

Bodoh yang amat.

Rindu??? 웃기지마!!


Ahh aku tetap rasa aku tak guna. Konon nak move on. Nak block, nak unfriend aku rasa macam tak cool la pulak. Dah takde apa-apa kan? Kau pun mungkin tak pernah rasa apa yang aku rasa, buat apa nak meroyan macam tak matang kan.



Berkat ke-EGO-an aku, akhirnya aku yang merosakkan mood sendiri. LOL


Nasib baik bila dah lepas tengah hari, perasaan aku normal balik. Kalau aku stress, nampaknya aku kena jugaklah cari pengganti. Full stop.


KAH!





Amilia Ami
Lab C8, Genetik.
Jam 5:37pm



Friday, May 1, 2015

Kalau aku punya sayap


Kalau aku punya sayap yang melambangkan hati,

Pasti sayapku warnanya hitam pekat.

Kalau aku punya sayap yang melambangkan nurani,

pasti sayapku tak mampu bawa aku terbang tinggi, dek kebasahan dosa.


Amilia Ami
Bas KKKL (KL-JB)
Jam 5.30 ptg

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Today and Tomorrow

Picture taken from here

It's funny how life can turn upside down and keeps going on and on without us knowing.

Yesterday was the happiest moment in your life, but tomorrow might be the worst, you might face all sorts of problems that could break you down, tear your heart into pieces, makes you cry and hurts you.

Therefore, cherish every single thing you do and all the things that happen. If today is the happiest moment in your life, be happy, but remember that your today's happiness does not last forever as tomorrow is something that you don't know. I'm not asking you to be afraid of tomorrow, I'm telling you to cherish and appreciate for what you have now. Tomorrow is something different that you need to handle, just focus on "NOW" and be prepared for "TOMORROW".


Living with no regrets is something that not everyone can do. I'm really sure most of us do regret things that we can't do or we can't have. Me as well. I regret every single thing that I do, always saying, "I wish I could..." "If I do this, maybe I can...". Trust me it's hurting me. I can't even move on with what I did, how can I move on with something else that might and have happened?

I'm looking forward to my new transition. The transition from being engulfed by negativity towards living with positive mindset and attitude. People who read my posts might say that "why the hell does she keeps talking about this kind of thing?", well this is how I remind myself of what my personal life goal in general.

Keep on fighting!

For each one are successive [angels] before and behind him who protect him by the decree of Allah. Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves. And when Allah intends for a people misfortune, there is no repelling it. And there is not for them besides Him any protector 
Surat Ar-Ra'd (13: 11)




Follow my blog with Bloglovin

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Bila Seorang


Taken from Miriadna

Jalan yang aku ambil ini adalah jalan yang paling sunyi yang pernah aku lalui.
Aku sendiri dan dalam keadaan masih tertanya-tanya...
Apakah ini yang paling benar jalannya?
Apakah jalan ini yang aku inginkan setulus hatiku?
Apakah aku mampu?

Mengambil langkah optimis.
Aku fikir ini jalan untuk ke fasa baru hidup aku.
Bukan aku seorang.
Semua orang pasti melaluinya.
Mungkin dalam situasi aku, aku cuba untuk mengikhlaskan hati menerima peluang sambung belajar. Manakala, orang lain pula bersendiri dalam waktu menginjak ke alam pekerjaan.
Jadi kita sama-sama pernah sendiri. Cuma lorong kita berlainan.

Cuba mencedok fikiran paling optimis.
Aku mungkin terasa sendiri, tapi itulah yang bakal menjadikan aku manusia utuh di atas bumi ini. Aku harus sama-sama berdiri dengan mereka yang sudah berjaya melalui jalan sepi (baca: fasa baru). Aku harus berdiri sama tinggi dengan mereka meskipun tempoh bangkit itu, memaksa aku untuk merangkak malah mengengsot sekalipun. Aku harus segera tinggalkan kepompong lamaku. Aku harus bingkas, supaya tidak tenggelam di dalam pesimisku. Aku harus jadikan warkah "Bila Seorang" ini satu kekuatan, satu bara yang membakar intipatiku, biar semangat itu terus menyala, biar jalan sepi ini tidak gelap. Biarkan jalan ini sepi tapi berisi malah terlukis dengan jejak indahku.

Wahai sang empunya jasad bernama Aimi Amirah Abd Ajis,

Kamu ditakdir melalui jalan sepi ini supaya kamu bisa berdua dengan tuhanmu. Kerana di saat ini, kebergantungan kamu pada Allah adalah yang paling diuji. Tetaplah bergantung, dan Allah akan menghadirkan kamu insan-insan yang bakal menemani sepimu nanti.





Amilia_Ami





Monday, April 13, 2015

Memory Erasure: Behind The Scene


My name is Aomi (not a typo), I am a memory eraser.
My job is to erase Mira's memories. I'm currently on the move to erase most of Mira's past. She can't really recall any of her past especially the bad one, but she can completely remember what people had said to her, the feeling of being hurt, the fear and the joys. In a conclusion, I only keep an abstract of her essence, not the exact picture.  Just to remind her that her life has it's up and down but she don't have to remember everything.

Besides, I also erase all the memories that doesn't really have a big impact to her life. Like going to the toilet to accompany her friend in the middle of the night (she just knew it last night when her friend told her, but she don't even remember it). Or like going to somewhere with her friends. Don't ask her too much, because she knew that she was going out with you, but believe me, she don't really remember what she did. 

Latest job is,
erasing the feeling that she had for someone, that is less than a year. She won't remember how hate she is to her first love. She won't remember how she loves him. She won't remember the feeling of being loved or in love except for her families.
There are so many things to erase. But I'd rather keep some of it.. Just enough to make her live. 

My name is Aomi (not a typo), I'm the reason of her headache. I'm sorry, but it was the price she has to pay. Unwillingly. 




(Aomi, 2015)

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Missing puzzle

I can't see you,
But I can hear your voice.
I can't reach you, you are far away.
I call you but you never came.
You leave me behind,
facing the world, when I'm not surely fine.

Your whispers that linger,
saying I won't be alone
but why I am here rolling in the darkness so cold on my own,
You say you'll be the stars,
bright my sky with your sparkling light,
But I'm still here waiting while looking at the dark empty sky.

You are the pieces of my shattered soul.
with gentle words that breeze,
you embrace my sorrow,
those laser gaze you gave,
saying that I'm a stupid if I ever lose,
and those anger that blow when I pushed my pain to you,
you said you want to take over,
you who scares me, makes me stand firm on my feet.

Do I have to be so hurt?
So I can meet you?
Do I have to be thrown away?
So you're there to keep me?

I'm standing but never move,
I'm crying with no tears,
still, I am crying.
Looking in the mirror,
finding the pieces of me in those eyes,
and sigh when there's only me.
there, I close my eyes, 
tasting the pleasure of pain
when my heart sliced to bleed, and call blood as my silent tears.
How I'm holding on to you.
How I can't live without you,
it's the same as drowning,
Can't you see, I'm trying so hard keeping you next to me?

I can hear your voices in silence,
but why its fading out?
Are you leaving me?
Did I killed you with my smile?
No.
I still need you.
Don't leave me in this lonely road. 
You are me and I am you.
You don't have to go,
I beg you...
Please....complete my missing piece of puzzle.





For Elly and Amilia. 


Saturday, February 7, 2015

Kawan jatuh cinta

Senyum sendiri.
Dia kawan dah lama.
Dia kawan dari sekolah.
Dia kawan dah empat tahun.

Dia, Dia dan Dia ada satu persamaan.
Mereka jatuh cinta pada orang yang sama.
Tapi....
Dia, Dia dan Dia tak pernah tahu kewujudan masing - masing.

Dia, Dia dan Dia ada lagi satu persamaan.
Perempuan itu tidak memilih antara mereka.
Sayang...
Perempuan itu tahu sudah lambat.
Tak perasan cinta yang diluah.
Terlalu halus.
Tak nampak.
Lalu, Dia si kawan lama dan kawan dari sekolah --
tinggal jadi kenangan indah.

Sementara itu, Dia, kawan sudah empat tahun pula masih menunggu.
Malang...
Perempuan itu tidak berani pertaruh hidup.
Tak ada jaminan untuk bahagia jadi akhir cerita.
Rela dibiar macam tu sahaja.
Terhukum dengan hukuman yang dijatuhkan untuk diri sendiri.
Lalu si Dia terkena tempias.
Terguris hatinya.
Pedih.














Terima kasih.

Dari pacal yang hina. =)


Thursday, February 5, 2015

Just random... [Read : Borak kosong]

I'm excellent in writing, when I feel depressed or hurt.

But when I was so damn happy, I write like a mad people who talk nonsense.

Nonsense.

Where are all the ideas??! Aku taknak la jadi orang yang depressed je kerjanya. Please don't misunderstand me. I'm a happy person. Serious. My life is awesome walaupun tak se - awesome orang lain. Even I do nothing, I'm still happy like crazy. It's just that I only write and I can only write with bombastic words when I am in a state of depression or being hurt so much.

You can see that every entries in my site was so blues, gloomy and depressing. That doesn't mean that I have a depressing life, seriously. Life can be hard, but it's not fatal.
Well, I'm a survivor tho.  =)


Picture taken from this site





Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Two path, only one way to go....Unless...

Sekali lagi... [sigh]
Inferiority complex...
Why don't you just go away with the wind..Fly away and never come back.

When I thought I can stand up again. This pessimistic thought throwing me down the hill.
Sounds like I'm blaming on somethings that I knew it was non other than myself. Trying to put the blame on something that seems like nothing. Fighting with my own self is like fighting with a shadow. My shadow. No, it was not a shadow but my own reflection on the mirror. I was too concern on the worthless battle, I've lost the essence of living day by day. What did I gain at the end of it? Scars.

Trying to put an end to every battle with the thought that stronger than my words and stronger than my strength. Just the thought. What a shame. Trying to act strong when you are actually strong but you don't have the guts to give everything you have. It's your life! Stupid.

I have to choose between the two given path. People said.... I should..

Istikharah.

But, I don't have the guts to do. Why?

I don't know.
I just wondering, will it be answered when I'm not a devoted Muslim. Too much mistakes. Way too much.

It's like you do shit things to your friend, then you ask for her help.

I know He is the most merciful. Always. He is, indeed. He gives me everything, I can't even described.

The thing is....

It was me...feeling that I don't deserve asking for more.
In other words, [Malay] aku malu untuk meminta lebih dari apa yang telah diberi kerana aku sedar terlalu banyak dosaku, begitu sedikit amalku. Aku cuma mampu memanjat doa agar diampunkan segala dosa.


Maybe I was too 'negative'.

Me    : Where are all the optimisms I used to have?
Me    : Don't you remember? You offered them to the beast [read: black-hole(pessimist)]
Me    : When did I?
Me    : Every-time you hesitate.
Me    : [sigh]

If and only if I can hold both of the path.
IF AND ONLY IF I HAVE THE GUTS TO START
because I know... once I start I can't be stop.
Once I start, I put my life on it to be on the top.

I wish I don't have to say "IF AND ONLY IF" in my life ever again.

May Allah grant me the strength to start anew and take every first step in my phase of life with honour.






Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Kata dua






Kerna Islam itu bisa selari dengan zaman juga selari dengat adat.
Jika masih ada kemampuan, adat itu dipelihara asalkan tidak terjalinnya dengan unsur khurafat.
Jika agama itu dijadi alasan akan perkara yang seharusnya dilarang tapi dibenarkan, atau yang tidak salah tapi diharamkan. Maka, sepertinya kita yang menentukan agama. Malah agama bakal terlihat sukar dan terlebih beban, sedangkan agama itu selari zaman, mudah namun tidaklah sampai dipermudahkan lalu diperlekeh.



Amilia Ami , 2015






Thursday, January 8, 2015

I am trying.. Maybe not enough.




People's expectations are the most powerful energy that influence most of my life.
I'm living in a world where expectations are to be fulfill.
I'm trying to go against it..
I'm want to prove them that I can survive without fulfilling their expectations.

Unfortunately, expectations are what have drown me.
I'm struggling, I'm giving everything, I'm dying
while all the expectations are piling up.
Nobody knows when it will be over.
Nobody knows the limit.
Maybe none.
Yet I am surviving.

Until when?
It remain unknown.

Why am I ever survive?
I can't answer that either.
Maybe I'm still holding on to something called hope.

I still don't understand why expectations are the priority.
I still don't understand why judging from a piece of paper, when it shows nothing but A's.
Why stuck and trapped in the "first impression is everything"?

They said, they don't care.
Yet they have this upset, disappointed face when its not an A but B or C.
They said, grade pointer showed nothing.
Yet they still have this gawking face like it was unbelievable when it's not 4.00 but 3.00 or 2.00

And I'm slowly becoming one of them. I expect myself to do better. No. The best than ever. I expect myself to go beyond their expectations.

I remember I met someone today and she asked me how many subjects I'm taking for my final semester and how many papers left for my final exam.

The last thing she said that makes me really nervous and I felt like if I don't try HARDER this time, I'm hopeless and loser and worthless.

The last thing she said is

"make sure you got 4.00 flat! promise?!" and she left with a wide smile and a giggle.


I want to try harder. I'm freaking try.
Maybe it's not enough. Not at all. Maybe I'm just stupid. No. Maybe, I am an idiot.
Or maybe 4.00 flat is not even meant for me no matter how freaking hard I'm trying.

I love learning something new.
I love studying.
I love everything about learning.

But since when learning become somethings that I was forced to do.
Since when learning become something that makes me depressed?
Since when learning become somethings that throw me into a state where I don't feel the sense of belonging?



Sincerely,
Me.

Don't judge my writing. Because, yes I'm being depressed. It's coming back after all this time. Hey depression, long time no see. How are you? *conversation continue*. Now I'm mingling with depression (an old friend) for no reason. I don't need a religious advice since I already know about it. I've been told for so many times about it. Yet, I'm still stuck. Mungkin aku tidak yakin. Mungkin aku tidak cukup berserah. Mungkin aku terlalu berdosa. And now I'm self-blaming. Get off depression! Get off!




Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Cloudy future... maybe?

Assalamualaikum

Ini warkah pertama dalam tahun 2015.
Tahun di mana aku bakal menamatkan pengajian di Universiti Malaya jurusan Genetik dan Biologi Molekul.


Waktu menulis jam 10.31 pagi bertarikh 7 Januari 2015.
Aku masih ada lagi 2 paper untuk dipertaruhkan nyawa ku. (Pergh! ayat)

Dilema tamat pengajian yang semua orang alami. Kalau aku tanya kawan-2 semua ada hala tuju masing-2. Aku? Null. Kenapa? Aku sebenarnya masih tak nampak jalan hidup aku. Lagipun jurusan genetik ni bukanlah jurusan yang memang aku harapkan sangat. Dalam borang UPU pun pilihan ke enam dan dalam borang tu satu je tempat (pilihan ke-6) yang aku letak adalah Universiti Malaya sebabnya aku tak harap pun dapat. Orang kata susah plus aku bukannya bijaksana bijaksini bijaksitu boleh dpt UM, aku letak UiTM dgn UKM je weyh...(bukan nak kata Uni ni biasa-2 je, tapi senangla utk aku dpt dgn result matrik yg mcmtu). Orang kata, budak Cina je yg senang dapat UM sebab dorang pandai. Tapi perancangan Allah mengatakan yang berlainan.

Masa aku dapat keputusan UPU bertulis


"Tahniah anda berjaya,
 Universiti Malaya
Program Ijazah Sarjana Muda Genetik dan Biologi Molekul
Tujuh Semester"


Aku rasa nak nangis sebab kos yang aku nak tak dapat (BioMedik), rasa takut sebab UM, rasa nak pengsan sebab menyesal letak ikut suka (pilihan ke-6 adalah pilihan di mana aku start pakai bantai je letak kos apa and Uni mana). Rasa marah dengan diri sendiri. Semua rasa ada. Sampai aku tak sedar air mata aku mengalir, bila dengar reaksi ibu ayah mcm gembira gila aku dapat masuk UM. UM woi! kau gila?!


Aku?


Redha habis.... Redha yang memang betul-2 redha yang bukan sekadar dimulut. Serius. Selambat-2 nya aku nak ready utk persiapan masuk UM, tapi bila smpai hari pendaftaran semua *blink* siap complete.


Sampai la sekarang...

Semester terakhir aku (InsyaAllah)....


tanya kawan-2 semua kata

"Aku nak kerja..." (siap dah hantar resume what so ever semua)
"Aku nak sambung belajar.." ( siap plan nak masuk bulan 8)
"Aku nak jadi RA (Research assistant) then sekali sambung belajar" 
(siap dah start as a part timer dengan Prof and Dr kat  sini.)


Aku???


"Aku masih tak tau apa aku kena buat. How? What? Where? When?"


Rasa nak menangis.


tinggal lagi berapa hari je nak habis semester and tamat pengajian (InsyaAllah). 
Aku masih tak nampak jalan.
Dan aku rasa loser. 
Depressed. 


Kalaulah aku tak se-complicated macam ni.
Kalaulah aku lebih determined, tetap pendirian and ada hala tuju yang tetap macam orang lain. 

I'm sure, I don't have to worry about where to start, how to start and when to do it. I just have to worry about whether or not I can get it.


I'm being a real optimist here. 
What if...

Maybe.... maybe aku jadi macam ni sebab I don't have to worry about the result. I will get it at once. 
Maybe.... I'm will be successful in a way that I don't even expected it.


But that's not the way it works.
Being optimist doesn't make me feel at ease. Not even once. It makes me more and more depressed. 
Maybe I'm being hard on myself.


I always said 

"Live your life to the fullest, even it's mean that you have to cry"
"Being happy is about the way you live your life"
"Life is a journey and it's like reading a book page by page, chapter by chapter"
"Stop worrying, everything has been planned. You just have to follow and USAHA on what's coming on you"


But this time and in this case. 
Since, I'm not sure with myself and my future. I'm so freaking insecure and I am literally freaking out!



May Allah show me the right way.
May Allah ease everything.
May everything comes into the right place at the right time. 
May Allah allow me to be at the most BERSERAH state on this matter, without any doubt even a tiny little molecule.





Sincerely,
Me.




The first post in 2015 and it is boring. The first post in 2015 and you're being depressed. What a shame. See. You are being depressed again. 



Hak Milik © Angkara Hati