Thursday, January 8, 2015

I am trying.. Maybe not enough.




People's expectations are the most powerful energy that influence most of my life.
I'm living in a world where expectations are to be fulfill.
I'm trying to go against it..
I'm want to prove them that I can survive without fulfilling their expectations.

Unfortunately, expectations are what have drown me.
I'm struggling, I'm giving everything, I'm dying
while all the expectations are piling up.
Nobody knows when it will be over.
Nobody knows the limit.
Maybe none.
Yet I am surviving.

Until when?
It remain unknown.

Why am I ever survive?
I can't answer that either.
Maybe I'm still holding on to something called hope.

I still don't understand why expectations are the priority.
I still don't understand why judging from a piece of paper, when it shows nothing but A's.
Why stuck and trapped in the "first impression is everything"?

They said, they don't care.
Yet they have this upset, disappointed face when its not an A but B or C.
They said, grade pointer showed nothing.
Yet they still have this gawking face like it was unbelievable when it's not 4.00 but 3.00 or 2.00

And I'm slowly becoming one of them. I expect myself to do better. No. The best than ever. I expect myself to go beyond their expectations.

I remember I met someone today and she asked me how many subjects I'm taking for my final semester and how many papers left for my final exam.

The last thing she said that makes me really nervous and I felt like if I don't try HARDER this time, I'm hopeless and loser and worthless.

The last thing she said is

"make sure you got 4.00 flat! promise?!" and she left with a wide smile and a giggle.


I want to try harder. I'm freaking try.
Maybe it's not enough. Not at all. Maybe I'm just stupid. No. Maybe, I am an idiot.
Or maybe 4.00 flat is not even meant for me no matter how freaking hard I'm trying.

I love learning something new.
I love studying.
I love everything about learning.

But since when learning become somethings that I was forced to do.
Since when learning become something that makes me depressed?
Since when learning become somethings that throw me into a state where I don't feel the sense of belonging?



Sincerely,
Me.

Don't judge my writing. Because, yes I'm being depressed. It's coming back after all this time. Hey depression, long time no see. How are you? *conversation continue*. Now I'm mingling with depression (an old friend) for no reason. I don't need a religious advice since I already know about it. I've been told for so many times about it. Yet, I'm still stuck. Mungkin aku tidak yakin. Mungkin aku tidak cukup berserah. Mungkin aku terlalu berdosa. And now I'm self-blaming. Get off depression! Get off!




3 comments:

  1. Don't let depression beat you okay. You're stronger than you think - you have always been. Smile!! :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Akak, byk x peluang kerja dgn kerajaan kalau amik degree genetik ni? Hrp akak dpt tolong 🙏

    ReplyDelete

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