Missing puzzle

I can't see you,

But I can hear your voice.

I can't reach you, you are far away.

I call you but you never came.

You leave me behind,

facing the world, when I'm not surely fine.

Your whispers that linger,

saying I won't be alone

but why I am here rolling in the darkness so cold on my own,

You say you'll be the stars,

bright my sky with your sparkling light,

But I'm still here waiting while looking at the dark empty sky.

You are the pieces of my shattered soul.

with gentle words that breeze,

you embrace my sorrow,

those laser gaze you gave,

saying that I'm a stupid if I ever lose,

and those anger that blow when I pushed my pain to you,

you said you want to take over,

you who scares me, makes me stand firm on my feet.

Do I have to be so hurt?

So I can meet you?

Do I have to be thrown away?

So you're there to keep me?

I'm standing but never move,

I'm crying with no tears,

still, I am crying.

Looking in the mirror,

finding the pieces of me in those eyes,

and sigh when there's only me.

there, I close my eyes, 

tasting the pleasure of pain

when my heart sliced to bleed, and call blood as my silent tears.

How I'm holding on to you.

How I can't live without you,

it's the same as drowning,

Can't you see, I'm trying so hard keeping you next to me?

I can hear your voices in silence,

but why its fading out?

Are you leaving me?

Did I killed you with my smile?

No.

I still need you.

Don't leave me in this lonely road. 

You are me and I am you.

You don't have to go,

I beg you...
Please....complete my missing piece of puzzle.

For Elly and Amilia. 

Kawan jatuh cinta

Senyum sendiri.
Dia kawan dah lama.
Dia kawan dari sekolah.
Dia kawan dah empat tahun.

Dia, Dia dan Dia ada satu persamaan.
Mereka jatuh cinta pada orang yang sama.
Tapi....
Dia, Dia dan Dia tak pernah tahu kewujudan masing - masing.

Dia, Dia dan Dia ada lagi satu persamaan.
Perempuan itu tidak memilih antara mereka.
Sayang...
Perempuan itu tahu sudah lambat.
Tak perasan cinta yang diluah.
Terlalu halus.
Tak nampak.
Lalu, Dia si kawan lama dan kawan dari sekolah --
tinggal jadi kenangan indah.

Sementara itu, Dia, kawan sudah empat tahun pula masih menunggu.
Malang...
Perempuan itu tidak berani pertaruh hidup.
Tak ada jaminan untuk bahagia jadi akhir cerita.
Rela dibiar macam tu sahaja.
Terhukum dengan hukuman yang dijatuhkan untuk diri sendiri.
Lalu si Dia terkena tempias.
Terguris hatinya.
Pedih.

Terima kasih.

Dari pacal yang hina. =)

Just random... [Read : Borak kosong]

I'm excellent in writing, when I feel depressed or hurt.

But when I was so damn happy, I write like a mad people who talk nonsense.

Nonsense.

Where are all the ideas??! Aku taknak la jadi orang yang depressed je kerjanya. Please don't misunderstand me. I'm a happy person. Serious. My life is awesome walaupun tak se - awesome orang lain. Even I do nothing, I'm still happy like crazy. It's just that I only write and I can only write with bombastic words when I am in a state of depression or being hurt so much.

You can see that every entries in my site was so blues, gloomy and depressing. That doesn't mean that I have a depressing life, seriously. Life can be hard, but it's not fatal.
Well, I'm a survivor tho.  =)

Picture taken from this site

Two path, only one way to go....Unless...

Sekali lagi... [sigh]
Inferiority complex...
Why don't you just go away with the wind..Fly away and never come back.

When I thought I can stand up again. This pessimistic thought throwing me down the hill.
Sounds like I'm blaming on somethings that I knew it was non other than myself. Trying to put the blame on something that seems like nothing. Fighting with my own self is like fighting with a shadow. My shadow. No, it was not a shadow but my own reflection on the mirror. I was too concern on the worthless battle, I've lost the essence of living day by day. What did I gain at the end of it? Scars.

Trying to put an end to every battle with the thought that stronger than my words and stronger than my strength. Just the thought. What a shame. Trying to act strong when you are actually strong but you don't have the guts to give everything you have. It's your life! Stupid.

I have to choose between the two given path. People said.... I should..

Istikharah.

But, I don't have the guts to do. Why?

I don't know.
I just wondering, will it be answered when I'm not a devoted Muslim. Too much mistakes. Way too much.

It's like you do shit things to your friend, then you ask for her help.

I know He is the most merciful. Always. He is, indeed. He gives me everything, I can't even described.

The thing is....

It was me...feeling that I don't deserve asking for more.
In other words, [Malay] aku malu untuk meminta lebih dari apa yang telah diberi kerana aku sedar terlalu banyak dosaku, begitu sedikit amalku. Aku cuma mampu memanjat doa agar diampunkan segala dosa.


Maybe I was too 'negative'.

Me    : Where are all the optimisms I used to have?
Me    : Don't you remember? You offered them to the beast [read: black-hole(pessimist)]
Me    : When did I?
Me    : Every-time you hesitate.
Me    : [sigh]

If and only if I can hold both of the path.
IF AND ONLY IF I HAVE THE GUTS TO START
because I know... once I start I can't be stop.
Once I start, I put my life on it to be on the top.

I wish I don't have to say "IF AND ONLY IF" in my life ever again.

May Allah grant me the strength to start anew and take every first step in my phase of life with honour.

Kata dua

Kerna Islam itu bisa selari dengan zaman juga selari dengat adat.

Jika masih ada kemampuan, adat itu dipelihara asalkan tidak terjalinnya dengan unsur khurafat.

Jika agama itu dijadi alasan akan perkara yang seharusnya dilarang tapi dibenarkan, atau yang tidak salah tapi diharamkan. Maka, sepertinya kita yang menentukan agama. Malah agama bakal terlihat sukar dan terlebih beban, sedangkan agama itu selari zaman, mudah namun tidaklah sampai dipermudahkan lalu diperlekeh.

Amilia Ami , 2015