Two path, only one way to go....Unless...

Sekali lagi... [sigh]
Inferiority complex...
Why don't you just go away with the wind..Fly away and never come back.

When I thought I can stand up again. This pessimistic thought throwing me down the hill.
Sounds like I'm blaming on somethings that I knew it was non other than myself. Trying to put the blame on something that seems like nothing. Fighting with my own self is like fighting with a shadow. My shadow. No, it was not a shadow but my own reflection on the mirror. I was too concern on the worthless battle, I've lost the essence of living day by day. What did I gain at the end of it? Scars.

Trying to put an end to every battle with the thought that stronger than my words and stronger than my strength. Just the thought. What a shame. Trying to act strong when you are actually strong but you don't have the guts to give everything you have. It's your life! Stupid.

I have to choose between the two given path. People said.... I should..

Istikharah.

But, I don't have the guts to do. Why?

I don't know.
I just wondering, will it be answered when I'm not a devoted Muslim. Too much mistakes. Way too much.

It's like you do shit things to your friend, then you ask for her help.

I know He is the most merciful. Always. He is, indeed. He gives me everything, I can't even described.

The thing is....

It was me...feeling that I don't deserve asking for more.
In other words, [Malay] aku malu untuk meminta lebih dari apa yang telah diberi kerana aku sedar terlalu banyak dosaku, begitu sedikit amalku. Aku cuma mampu memanjat doa agar diampunkan segala dosa.


Maybe I was too 'negative'.

Me    : Where are all the optimisms I used to have?
Me    : Don't you remember? You offered them to the beast [read: black-hole(pessimist)]
Me    : When did I?
Me    : Every-time you hesitate.
Me    : [sigh]

If and only if I can hold both of the path.
IF AND ONLY IF I HAVE THE GUTS TO START
because I know... once I start I can't be stop.
Once I start, I put my life on it to be on the top.

I wish I don't have to say "IF AND ONLY IF" in my life ever again.

May Allah grant me the strength to start anew and take every first step in my phase of life with honour.