If you

"If You...
If You...
Can we try this thing again one day?
can we try again if it is not too late..
If you.. If you..
If you struggling like I am,
I can make it easier, yes I can..."

(If You - BigBang - English Version)


Flashcard bergambar masa lalu
dihampar depan mata,
adrenalin meluru laju,
lalu timbul rasa antara berdebar, marah, kesal, atau terkilan.
Fikiran mula menghamburkan cadangan
karut,

Kalau lah aku tidak terlintas meluah perasaan,
pasti dia dan aku tak terpisahkan,
menyesal mencintai,
menyesal persahabatan terlerai begini,

Hati mahu mengulang,
minda pula menghalang.

Tak mungkin.
Tak mungkin apa yang terlepas dapat digapai kembali,
Masa juga takkan membantu.
Ruang malah lebih meluas dan menjauh,
Harapan itu jadi harapan paling palsu,
paling dungu.

Hati terus menyanyi...

"If You...
If You...
Can we try this thing again one day?
can we try again if it is not too late..
If you.. If you...
If you struggling like I am,
I can make it easier, yes I can..."

Tanpa sedar bibir tersenyum sinis
lalu berkata, "Bodoh. Tak mungkin"

Kalau lah aku tahu,
lebih baik mencinta dalam diam
dari terpisah jauh,
biar bukan jadi kekasih,
asal di  hati kaulah cinta pertama.

Aku sanggup.

-Kita berkawan sahajalah walau jauh di mata, ya?-

Kalau aku punya sayap

Kalau aku punya sayap yang melambangkan hati,

Pasti sayapku warnanya hitam pekat.

Kalau aku punya sayap yang melambangkan nurani,

pasti sayapku tak mampu bawa aku terbang tinggi, dek kebasahan dosa.


Amilia Ami
Bas KKKL (KL-JB)
Jam 5.30 ptg

Missing puzzle

I can't see you,

But I can hear your voice.

I can't reach you, you are far away.

I call you but you never came.

You leave me behind,

facing the world, when I'm not surely fine.

Your whispers that linger,

saying I won't be alone

but why I am here rolling in the darkness so cold on my own,

You say you'll be the stars,

bright my sky with your sparkling light,

But I'm still here waiting while looking at the dark empty sky.

You are the pieces of my shattered soul.

with gentle words that breeze,

you embrace my sorrow,

those laser gaze you gave,

saying that I'm a stupid if I ever lose,

and those anger that blow when I pushed my pain to you,

you said you want to take over,

you who scares me, makes me stand firm on my feet.

Do I have to be so hurt?

So I can meet you?

Do I have to be thrown away?

So you're there to keep me?

I'm standing but never move,

I'm crying with no tears,

still, I am crying.

Looking in the mirror,

finding the pieces of me in those eyes,

and sigh when there's only me.

there, I close my eyes, 

tasting the pleasure of pain

when my heart sliced to bleed, and call blood as my silent tears.

How I'm holding on to you.

How I can't live without you,

it's the same as drowning,

Can't you see, I'm trying so hard keeping you next to me?

I can hear your voices in silence,

but why its fading out?

Are you leaving me?

Did I killed you with my smile?

No.

I still need you.

Don't leave me in this lonely road. 

You are me and I am you.

You don't have to go,

I beg you...
Please....complete my missing piece of puzzle.

For Elly and Amilia. 

I am trying.. Maybe not enough.

People's expectations are the most powerful energy that influence most of my life.
I'm living in a world where expectations are to be fulfill.
I'm trying to go against it..
I'm want to prove them that I can survive without fulfilling their expectations.

Unfortunately, expectations are what have drown me.
I'm struggling, I'm giving everything, I'm dying
while all the expectations are piling up.
Nobody knows when it will be over.
Nobody knows the limit.
Maybe none.
Yet I am surviving.

Until when?
It remain unknown.

Why am I ever survive?
I can't answer that either.
Maybe I'm still holding on to something called hope.

I still don't understand why expectations are the priority.
I still don't understand why judging from a piece of paper, when it shows nothing but A's.
Why stuck and trapped in the "first impression is everything"?

They said, they don't care.
Yet they have this upset, disappointed face when its not an A but B or C.
They said, grade pointer showed nothing.
Yet they still have this gawking face like it was unbelievable when it's not 4.00 but 3.00 or 2.00

And I'm slowly becoming one of them. I expect myself to do better. No. The best than ever. I expect myself to go beyond their expectations.

I remember I met someone today and she asked me how many subjects I'm taking for my final semester and how many papers left for my final exam.

The last thing she said that makes me really nervous and I felt like if I don't try HARDER this time, I'm hopeless and loser and worthless.

The last thing she said is

"make sure you got 4.00 flat! promise?!" and she left with a wide smile and a giggle.


I want to try harder. I'm freaking try.
Maybe it's not enough. Not at all. Maybe I'm just stupid. No. Maybe, I am an idiot.
Or maybe 4.00 flat is not even meant for me no matter how freaking hard I'm trying.

I love learning something new.
I love studying.
I love everything about learning.

But since when learning become somethings that I was forced to do.
Since when learning become something that makes me depressed?
Since when learning become somethings that throw me into a state where I don't feel the sense of belonging?



Sincerely,
Me.

Don't judge my writing. Because, yes I'm being depressed. It's coming back after all this time. Hey depression, long time no see. How are you? *conversation continue*. Now I'm mingling with depression (an old friend) for no reason. I don't need a religious advice since I already know about it. I've been told for so many times about it. Yet, I'm still stuck. Mungkin aku tidak yakin. Mungkin aku tidak cukup berserah. Mungkin aku terlalu berdosa. And now I'm self-blaming. Get off depression! Get off!

The heart turns ashes

The more we thought,

The more we fought,

The less we got.

You know--

My heart is red,

when it burns,

when it turns darker,

it can't return to its colour.

It has always been like this,

When I have to forget,

to betray and to turn my back,

and shows hand to someone else happiness.

Nurturing their future and forgetting what

once mine--

it's not always mine actually--

but at least it do appears in my dream

sometimes.

I used to think--

what makes them happy might applied to me too,

now I'm drowning to what once become my virtue,

And I lost in the battle I thought I could do,

with a finale of taking breath in a count of two.

The time has come--

the heart that turns darker

now turns ashes,

fade away like a feather,

wrap with tear,

fly with the wind and went further.

Even we're closer, we are too far.

You see me,

but you can never hold my heart.

Not anymore.

it used to shine brighter for you,

but it gradually lost--

when you hold it harder,

Sorry.

I should have told you,

but I kept it to myself,

And so you know--

I'm breaking my own heart,

and it's no one fault but me.

Holding on.

Lukisan Seni : Raut Kaku

Kiranya aku orang paling kaku--

Sukar berperasaan,

Sukar berekspresi,

Raut yg mati,

Senyum pun dalam hati.

               

Kiranya akulah yang perasan kaku--

Kerana setiap garis raut ini

boleh ditembusi

dan setiap kali itu

tak pernah salah.

Mungkin ekspresi itu lebih seni--

yang dilukis lain yang dimaksudkan lain,

yang dinilai ikut perspektif masing-masing.

               

Jadi kiranya aku ini lukisan kaku--

yang dinilai luahan ikut hati orang lain,

maksudnya cuma satu

tapi banyak versi yang haru.

Picture : Taken from igalleriez

Terbabas

Bismillah..
Assalamualaikum

Terkadang aku sendiri boleh terbabas.
terbabas buat dosa setiap hari,
antaranya...
terbabas mencarut
terbabas maki hamun
terbabas mengumpat
terbabas terhanyut waktu solat
terbabas ternampak sikit aurat
terbabas segala-galanya..

eh banyak betul terbabas.
harap tak terbabas dari bertaubat,
sebab masuk neraka pun bukan terbabas,
itu balasan dari segala keterbabasan yang terbabas dan tak perasan
sampai terbabas terus hingga hujung jalan,
lupa nak patah balik dekat persimpangan
yang sudah tersedia cabang jalan..

Gambar: Ihsan igalleriez

Selayaknya aku dihormati

Bismillah
Assalamualaikum


Adakah aku kurang layak mendapatkan rasa hormat?
Sabarlah hati..
Kau tidak tahu bila penghujung hidupmu.
Jadi mungkin jalan hidupmu masih panjang.
Dan masih banyak hal yang akan kau ketemu.

Seperti kata-kata orang bijak ilmu,
jaga dirimu..kerana dengan itu orang sekelilingmu
akan menghormatimu.
Mana yang singkat dilabuhkan,
mana yang kurang dilebihkan,
hati itu dikawal selia jangan leka,
namun masih ada yang berlaku jelek,
bukan mahu pertikaikan..
Ampun Ya Allah jika ini kedengaran tidak rela.,
apakah harus aku menutup wajahku?
baru aku dijauhkan dari hal-hal yang mengganggu emosiku.

Atau mungkin ini bukan salah aku,
ini adalah salah mereka yang kurang tahu
tentang nilai hormat,
Atau juga mungkin kau menginginkan aku
untuk kembali berpaut padamu,


Sabar sahaja wahai hati,
jangan kerana hal yang mengganggu ini
dikau hilang pertimbangan diri
lalu terlahir kata maki.

Jika ini cubaan untukmu,
tetap tegar
yakin kamu tidak bersendiri.
Kerana masih ada yang menemani
meski dia tidak terlihat oleh mata zahir.




p/s: tidak perlu aku ceritakan peristiwa itu. Cukuplah aib orang yang terpaksa ku buka kerana telah mengaibkanku. Tiada lagi aib yang harus dicerita.

22 tahun 4 hari

Bismillah

Assalamualaikum..

Tanggal 5 Ogos, sudah 22 tahun aku hidup atas muka bumi ini, dalam 22 tahun itu bergunung dosa telah dikumpul, berkurang atau makin bertambah. Allah saja tahu.

Kalau dulu ulang tahun adalah hari paling sunyi di mana aku pun kurang ambil kisah, mungkin cuma berharap dalam hati.

Ulang tahun ke 22 tidak pula.. Ini nikmat yang jarang-2 aku dapat. Walaupun sekadar dihujani ucapan, itu sudah teramat cukup. Ditambah kejutan dari rakan sekelas, itu paling gembira. Disambut awal oleh ibu gara-gara aku harus kembali ke latihan industri. Walau sambutan agak hambar, dan mungkin ibu kecewa kerana dia yang paling bersungguh nak sambut tapi aku pergi beraya lewat dengan kawan-2. Maaf..dan aku mahu kembali ke waktu itu, menyambutnya awal dengan sempurna =(

Rindu ibu dan semuanya. Rindu rumahku. 

Kalau dulu ulang tahun itu sunyi, tapi aku masih berteman keluarga. 

Kini ulang tahun agak berwarna, tapi aku jauh dari tempat asal ku.

.

Aku rasa semakin matang fikiran ku.

bertumbuh bersama umur.

Mungkinkah ulang tahun seterusnya akan menyepi kembali atau terus bernyawa?