Memory Erasure: Behind The Scene

My name is Aomi (not a typo), I am a memory eraser.
My job is to erase Mira's memories. I'm currently on the move to erase most of Mira's past. She can't really recall any of her past especially the bad one, but she can completely remember what people had said to her, the feeling of being hurt, the fear and the joys. In a conclusion, I only keep an abstract of her essence, not the exact picture.  Just to remind her that her life has it's up and down but she don't have to remember everything.

Besides, I also erase all the memories that doesn't really have a big impact to her life. Like going to the toilet to accompany her friend in the middle of the night (she just knew it last night when her friend told her, but she don't even remember it). Or like going to somewhere with her friends. Don't ask her too much, because she knew that she was going out with you, but believe me, she don't really remember what she did. 

Latest job is,
erasing the feeling that she had for someone, that is less than a year. She won't remember how hate she is to her first love. She won't remember how she loves him. She won't remember the feeling of being loved or in love except for her families.
There are so many things to erase. But I'd rather keep some of it.. Just enough to make her live. 

My name is Aomi (not a typo), I'm the reason of her headache. I'm sorry, but it was the price she has to pay. Unwillingly. 

(Aomi, 2015)

Just random... [Read : Borak kosong]

I'm excellent in writing, when I feel depressed or hurt.

But when I was so damn happy, I write like a mad people who talk nonsense.

Nonsense.

Where are all the ideas??! Aku taknak la jadi orang yang depressed je kerjanya. Please don't misunderstand me. I'm a happy person. Serious. My life is awesome walaupun tak se - awesome orang lain. Even I do nothing, I'm still happy like crazy. It's just that I only write and I can only write with bombastic words when I am in a state of depression or being hurt so much.

You can see that every entries in my site was so blues, gloomy and depressing. That doesn't mean that I have a depressing life, seriously. Life can be hard, but it's not fatal.
Well, I'm a survivor tho.  =)

Picture taken from this site

Two path, only one way to go....Unless...

Sekali lagi... [sigh]
Inferiority complex...
Why don't you just go away with the wind..Fly away and never come back.

When I thought I can stand up again. This pessimistic thought throwing me down the hill.
Sounds like I'm blaming on somethings that I knew it was non other than myself. Trying to put the blame on something that seems like nothing. Fighting with my own self is like fighting with a shadow. My shadow. No, it was not a shadow but my own reflection on the mirror. I was too concern on the worthless battle, I've lost the essence of living day by day. What did I gain at the end of it? Scars.

Trying to put an end to every battle with the thought that stronger than my words and stronger than my strength. Just the thought. What a shame. Trying to act strong when you are actually strong but you don't have the guts to give everything you have. It's your life! Stupid.

I have to choose between the two given path. People said.... I should..

Istikharah.

But, I don't have the guts to do. Why?

I don't know.
I just wondering, will it be answered when I'm not a devoted Muslim. Too much mistakes. Way too much.

It's like you do shit things to your friend, then you ask for her help.

I know He is the most merciful. Always. He is, indeed. He gives me everything, I can't even described.

The thing is....

It was me...feeling that I don't deserve asking for more.
In other words, [Malay] aku malu untuk meminta lebih dari apa yang telah diberi kerana aku sedar terlalu banyak dosaku, begitu sedikit amalku. Aku cuma mampu memanjat doa agar diampunkan segala dosa.


Maybe I was too 'negative'.

Me    : Where are all the optimisms I used to have?
Me    : Don't you remember? You offered them to the beast [read: black-hole(pessimist)]
Me    : When did I?
Me    : Every-time you hesitate.
Me    : [sigh]

If and only if I can hold both of the path.
IF AND ONLY IF I HAVE THE GUTS TO START
because I know... once I start I can't be stop.
Once I start, I put my life on it to be on the top.

I wish I don't have to say "IF AND ONLY IF" in my life ever again.

May Allah grant me the strength to start anew and take every first step in my phase of life with honour.

I am trying.. Maybe not enough.

People's expectations are the most powerful energy that influence most of my life.
I'm living in a world where expectations are to be fulfill.
I'm trying to go against it..
I'm want to prove them that I can survive without fulfilling their expectations.

Unfortunately, expectations are what have drown me.
I'm struggling, I'm giving everything, I'm dying
while all the expectations are piling up.
Nobody knows when it will be over.
Nobody knows the limit.
Maybe none.
Yet I am surviving.

Until when?
It remain unknown.

Why am I ever survive?
I can't answer that either.
Maybe I'm still holding on to something called hope.

I still don't understand why expectations are the priority.
I still don't understand why judging from a piece of paper, when it shows nothing but A's.
Why stuck and trapped in the "first impression is everything"?

They said, they don't care.
Yet they have this upset, disappointed face when its not an A but B or C.
They said, grade pointer showed nothing.
Yet they still have this gawking face like it was unbelievable when it's not 4.00 but 3.00 or 2.00

And I'm slowly becoming one of them. I expect myself to do better. No. The best than ever. I expect myself to go beyond their expectations.

I remember I met someone today and she asked me how many subjects I'm taking for my final semester and how many papers left for my final exam.

The last thing she said that makes me really nervous and I felt like if I don't try HARDER this time, I'm hopeless and loser and worthless.

The last thing she said is

"make sure you got 4.00 flat! promise?!" and she left with a wide smile and a giggle.


I want to try harder. I'm freaking try.
Maybe it's not enough. Not at all. Maybe I'm just stupid. No. Maybe, I am an idiot.
Or maybe 4.00 flat is not even meant for me no matter how freaking hard I'm trying.

I love learning something new.
I love studying.
I love everything about learning.

But since when learning become somethings that I was forced to do.
Since when learning become something that makes me depressed?
Since when learning become somethings that throw me into a state where I don't feel the sense of belonging?



Sincerely,
Me.

Don't judge my writing. Because, yes I'm being depressed. It's coming back after all this time. Hey depression, long time no see. How are you? *conversation continue*. Now I'm mingling with depression (an old friend) for no reason. I don't need a religious advice since I already know about it. I've been told for so many times about it. Yet, I'm still stuck. Mungkin aku tidak yakin. Mungkin aku tidak cukup berserah. Mungkin aku terlalu berdosa. And now I'm self-blaming. Get off depression! Get off!