I am trying.. Maybe not enough.

People's expectations are the most powerful energy that influence most of my life.
I'm living in a world where expectations are to be fulfill.
I'm trying to go against it..
I'm want to prove them that I can survive without fulfilling their expectations.

Unfortunately, expectations are what have drown me.
I'm struggling, I'm giving everything, I'm dying
while all the expectations are piling up.
Nobody knows when it will be over.
Nobody knows the limit.
Maybe none.
Yet I am surviving.

Until when?
It remain unknown.

Why am I ever survive?
I can't answer that either.
Maybe I'm still holding on to something called hope.

I still don't understand why expectations are the priority.
I still don't understand why judging from a piece of paper, when it shows nothing but A's.
Why stuck and trapped in the "first impression is everything"?

They said, they don't care.
Yet they have this upset, disappointed face when its not an A but B or C.
They said, grade pointer showed nothing.
Yet they still have this gawking face like it was unbelievable when it's not 4.00 but 3.00 or 2.00

And I'm slowly becoming one of them. I expect myself to do better. No. The best than ever. I expect myself to go beyond their expectations.

I remember I met someone today and she asked me how many subjects I'm taking for my final semester and how many papers left for my final exam.

The last thing she said that makes me really nervous and I felt like if I don't try HARDER this time, I'm hopeless and loser and worthless.

The last thing she said is

"make sure you got 4.00 flat! promise?!" and she left with a wide smile and a giggle.


I want to try harder. I'm freaking try.
Maybe it's not enough. Not at all. Maybe I'm just stupid. No. Maybe, I am an idiot.
Or maybe 4.00 flat is not even meant for me no matter how freaking hard I'm trying.

I love learning something new.
I love studying.
I love everything about learning.

But since when learning become somethings that I was forced to do.
Since when learning become something that makes me depressed?
Since when learning become somethings that throw me into a state where I don't feel the sense of belonging?



Sincerely,
Me.

Don't judge my writing. Because, yes I'm being depressed. It's coming back after all this time. Hey depression, long time no see. How are you? *conversation continue*. Now I'm mingling with depression (an old friend) for no reason. I don't need a religious advice since I already know about it. I've been told for so many times about it. Yet, I'm still stuck. Mungkin aku tidak yakin. Mungkin aku tidak cukup berserah. Mungkin aku terlalu berdosa. And now I'm self-blaming. Get off depression! Get off!

Cloudy future... maybe?

Assalamualaikum

Ini warkah pertama dalam tahun 2015.
Tahun di mana aku bakal menamatkan pengajian di Universiti Malaya jurusan Genetik dan Biologi Molekul.


Waktu menulis jam 10.31 pagi bertarikh 7 Januari 2015.
Aku masih ada lagi 2 paper untuk dipertaruhkan nyawa ku. (Pergh! ayat)

Dilema tamat pengajian yang semua orang alami. Kalau aku tanya kawan-2 semua ada hala tuju masing-2. Aku? Null. Kenapa? Aku sebenarnya masih tak nampak jalan hidup aku. Lagipun jurusan genetik ni bukanlah jurusan yang memang aku harapkan sangat. Dalam borang UPU pun pilihan ke enam dan dalam borang tu satu je tempat (pilihan ke-6) yang aku letak adalah Universiti Malaya sebabnya aku tak harap pun dapat. Orang kata susah plus aku bukannya bijaksana bijaksini bijaksitu boleh dpt UM, aku letak UiTM dgn UKM je weyh...(bukan nak kata Uni ni biasa-2 je, tapi senangla utk aku dpt dgn result matrik yg mcmtu). Orang kata, budak Cina je yg senang dapat UM sebab dorang pandai. Tapi perancangan Allah mengatakan yang berlainan.

Masa aku dapat keputusan UPU bertulis

"Tahniah anda berjaya,

 Universiti Malaya

Program Ijazah Sarjana Muda Genetik dan Biologi Molekul

Tujuh Semester"

Aku rasa nak nangis sebab kos yang aku nak tak dapat (BioMedik), rasa takut sebab UM, rasa nak pengsan sebab menyesal letak ikut suka (pilihan ke-6 adalah pilihan di mana aku start pakai bantai je letak kos apa and Uni mana). Rasa marah dengan diri sendiri. Semua rasa ada. Sampai aku tak sedar air mata aku mengalir, bila dengar reaksi ibu ayah mcm gembira gila aku dapat masuk UM. UM woi! kau gila?!

Aku?

Redha habis.... Redha yang memang betul-2 redha yang bukan sekadar dimulut. Serius. Selambat-2 nya aku nak ready utk persiapan masuk UM, tapi bila smpai hari pendaftaran semua *blink* siap complete.

Sampai la sekarang...

Semester terakhir aku (InsyaAllah)....

tanya kawan-2 semua kata

"Aku nak kerja..." (siap dah hantar resume what so ever semua)

"Aku nak sambung belajar.." ( siap plan nak masuk bulan 8)

"Aku nak jadi RA (Research assistant) then sekali sambung belajar" 

(siap dah start as a part timer dengan Prof and Dr kat  sini.)

Aku???

"Aku masih tak tau apa aku kena buat. How? What? Where? When?"

Rasa nak menangis.

tinggal lagi berapa hari je nak habis semester and tamat pengajian (InsyaAllah). 

Aku masih tak nampak jalan.

Dan aku rasa loser. 

Depressed. 

Kalaulah aku tak se-complicated macam ni.

Kalaulah aku lebih determined, tetap pendirian and ada hala tuju yang tetap macam orang lain. 

I'm sure, I don't have to worry about where to start, how to start and when to do it. I just have to worry about whether or not I can get it.

I'm being a real optimist here. 

What if...

Maybe.... maybe aku jadi macam ni sebab I don't have to worry about the result. I will get it at once. 

Maybe.... I'm will be successful in a way that I don't even expected it.

But that's not the way it works.

Being optimist doesn't make me feel at ease. Not even once. It makes me more and more depressed. 

Maybe I'm being hard on myself.

I always said 

"Live your life to the fullest, even it's mean that you have to cry"

"Being happy is about the way you live your life"

"Life is a journey and it's like reading a book page by page, chapter by chapter"

"Stop worrying, everything has been planned. You just have to follow and USAHA on what's coming on you"

But this time and in this case. 

Since, I'm not sure with myself and my future. I'm so freaking insecure and I am literally freaking out!

May Allah show me the right way.

May Allah ease everything.

May everything comes into the right place at the right time. 

May Allah allow me to be at the most BERSERAH state on this matter, without any doubt even a tiny little molecule.

Sincerely,

Me.

The first post in 2015 and it is boring. The first post in 2015 and you're being depressed. What a shame. See. You are being depressed again. 

The heart turns ashes

The more we thought,

The more we fought,

The less we got.

You know--

My heart is red,

when it burns,

when it turns darker,

it can't return to its colour.

It has always been like this,

When I have to forget,

to betray and to turn my back,

and shows hand to someone else happiness.

Nurturing their future and forgetting what

once mine--

it's not always mine actually--

but at least it do appears in my dream

sometimes.

I used to think--

what makes them happy might applied to me too,

now I'm drowning to what once become my virtue,

And I lost in the battle I thought I could do,

with a finale of taking breath in a count of two.

The time has come--

the heart that turns darker

now turns ashes,

fade away like a feather,

wrap with tear,

fly with the wind and went further.

Even we're closer, we are too far.

You see me,

but you can never hold my heart.

Not anymore.

it used to shine brighter for you,

but it gradually lost--

when you hold it harder,

Sorry.

I should have told you,

but I kept it to myself,

And so you know--

I'm breaking my own heart,

and it's no one fault but me.

Holding on.

Lukisan Seni : Raut Kaku

Kiranya aku orang paling kaku--

Sukar berperasaan,

Sukar berekspresi,

Raut yg mati,

Senyum pun dalam hati.

               

Kiranya akulah yang perasan kaku--

Kerana setiap garis raut ini

boleh ditembusi

dan setiap kali itu

tak pernah salah.

Mungkin ekspresi itu lebih seni--

yang dilukis lain yang dimaksudkan lain,

yang dinilai ikut perspektif masing-masing.

               

Jadi kiranya aku ini lukisan kaku--

yang dinilai luahan ikut hati orang lain,

maksudnya cuma satu

tapi banyak versi yang haru.

Picture : Taken from igalleriez

Terbabas

Bismillah..
Assalamualaikum

Terkadang aku sendiri boleh terbabas.
terbabas buat dosa setiap hari,
antaranya...
terbabas mencarut
terbabas maki hamun
terbabas mengumpat
terbabas terhanyut waktu solat
terbabas ternampak sikit aurat
terbabas segala-galanya..

eh banyak betul terbabas.
harap tak terbabas dari bertaubat,
sebab masuk neraka pun bukan terbabas,
itu balasan dari segala keterbabasan yang terbabas dan tak perasan
sampai terbabas terus hingga hujung jalan,
lupa nak patah balik dekat persimpangan
yang sudah tersedia cabang jalan..

Gambar: Ihsan igalleriez

Selayaknya aku dihormati

Bismillah
Assalamualaikum


Adakah aku kurang layak mendapatkan rasa hormat?
Sabarlah hati..
Kau tidak tahu bila penghujung hidupmu.
Jadi mungkin jalan hidupmu masih panjang.
Dan masih banyak hal yang akan kau ketemu.

Seperti kata-kata orang bijak ilmu,
jaga dirimu..kerana dengan itu orang sekelilingmu
akan menghormatimu.
Mana yang singkat dilabuhkan,
mana yang kurang dilebihkan,
hati itu dikawal selia jangan leka,
namun masih ada yang berlaku jelek,
bukan mahu pertikaikan..
Ampun Ya Allah jika ini kedengaran tidak rela.,
apakah harus aku menutup wajahku?
baru aku dijauhkan dari hal-hal yang mengganggu emosiku.

Atau mungkin ini bukan salah aku,
ini adalah salah mereka yang kurang tahu
tentang nilai hormat,
Atau juga mungkin kau menginginkan aku
untuk kembali berpaut padamu,


Sabar sahaja wahai hati,
jangan kerana hal yang mengganggu ini
dikau hilang pertimbangan diri
lalu terlahir kata maki.

Jika ini cubaan untukmu,
tetap tegar
yakin kamu tidak bersendiri.
Kerana masih ada yang menemani
meski dia tidak terlihat oleh mata zahir.




p/s: tidak perlu aku ceritakan peristiwa itu. Cukuplah aib orang yang terpaksa ku buka kerana telah mengaibkanku. Tiada lagi aib yang harus dicerita.

Sudahlah sayang

Sudahlah sayang..

Sudah lah mengeluh.
Aku mungkin takkan mengerti peritmu
Tapi aku mulai mengerti air matamu

Sudahlah berlari.
Aku mungkin takkan dapat mengejarmu
tapi aku pasti mencari dan menjejakmu

Sudahlah termenung
Aku mungkin takkan dapat membaca fikirmu
kerana aku selalu menyelami hatimu

Sudahlah..
kita berhenti dahulu
pisahkan hati
jauhkan diri
mungkin akan menjunamnya rindu
mungkin akan menjunam dalam kalbu

atau mungkin kita takkan pernah jadi satu.



Sudahlah sayang
Aku sudah lelah fikirkan itu.